For a long time, I thought my flower had already bloomed. I believed I was past the point in life where I could look forward to a "next phase." My identity was a patchwork quilt of other people’s needs: a wife, a mother, a "chameleon" who became whatever the room required.
Then, Lee (my husband) passed away. While I was in federal prison, I didn't get to go to the funeral, say goodbye, or find closure. I left to sign a plea, did my time, and 28 months later, I walked out into a life that had moved on without me. My children had grown up, my grandchildren were strangers, and the house I moved into was one I had never even seen.
I was lost, devastated, and—for the first time in 51 years—totally alone.
I remember standing in the grocery store aisle, staring at the shelves, and it hit me like a physical blow: I had no idea what I liked to eat. I had spent my entire life shopping for my mother’s tastes, my husband’s cravings, or my children’s preferences. I didn't know what I wanted to watch on TV. I didn't know how to exist without a "hostage" or a codependent shadow.
In the past, my relationships were a tangled mess of addiction and toxic loyalty. I used to think I was being a "friend" to my children, but actually, I was standing in the way of their lives—and my own. I honestly believe that my time away saved their lives, and perhaps mine, too. It forced the cycle to break.
Coming home to children who had learned to live without me was the hardest medicine I’ve ever had to take. It sent me into a deep depression, feeling unloved and unnecessary. But that rock bottom is where the soil started to turn.
I’m learning now that my "flower" didn't die; it was just waiting for the right season. This is my Second Spring. It’s the uncomfortable, beautiful, and sometimes lonely process of finally meeting Teresa.
If you’ve ever stood in an aisle—real or metaphorical—and realized you’ve forgotten your own name, I want you to know you aren’t alone. We are peeling off the armor together. We are still becoming.
Sending Love & Light,
Teresa
P.S.
If you find that you are just coming into your "Second Spring", or that you too are proudly "Still Becoming" the person you were always meant to be, please share your story in the comments....I would love to hear from you....this is OUR journey, let's weather the season's together!
TC
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